


In Hindsight

by thesummerofrain



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Clexa, F/F, I'm Sorry, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-17
Updated: 2015-04-17
Packaged: 2018-03-23 08:06:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3760894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesummerofrain/pseuds/thesummerofrain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some day when you leave me, I bet these memories Follow. You. Around.</p><p> </p><p>Inspired by Taylor Swift's 'Wildest Dreams'</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Hindsight

_“I have one condition, Lexa.”_

_“And what is that?”_

_“You have to promise me that you’ll remember me when this is over.”_

_“_ When _it’s over? Are you really so sure about that, Clarke?”_

 _“Yes, I am. I don’t know what it is about you, Lexa, but I get the feeling that you’re going to break my heart. And if I’m going to put myself through that - and I_ am _willing to put myself through that - then I need to know that you will remember me.”_

_“I will.”_

_“Okay, then.”_

 

Lexa can recall the day clearly. The day she met Clarke Griffin.

 

Even though she knew better, Lexa had wanted to prove Clarke wrong. Truly, she had. She had wanted to stay with Clarke, even more than she had realised at the time. But she was broken, dead inside, and she was so used to never getting what she wanted that she had long since ceased to acknowledge her own deepest desires. It was simply easier that way. There was less disappointment. Less chance of getting hurt. Less chance of making other people hurt. Lexa knew that she was not built for the whole ‘relationship’ thing, so she had refused to let it happen. Not again.

She has not thought of her in months, not since she last saw her, but Lexa now finds herself remembering Clarke once again. She does not understand why this is happening. Why is she being plagued with memories of a girl she only knew for a few weeks? Why does she think of Clarke every time she catches a flash of blonde hair? Why does it make her heart beat a little faster? _Why are these memories following her around?_

  
Yes, she can remember the day very clearly.

It was the Fourth of July, and there were people everywhere. Somehow, Lexa’s eyes found Clarke, and she knew.

Clarke looked uncomfortable surrounded by hundreds of people in the crowd, so Lexa offered to take her away.

 _“Let’s get out of town,”_ Lexa had said to her. _“We can drive out of the city and get away from the crowd for a while.”_

For some reason, she agreed after knowing Lexa for all of fifteen minutes. She wanted to go to the beach, so they rode to the beach on Lexa’s bike. Clarke had been apprehensive at first, but she got on anyway, and she wrapped her arms around Lexa’s waist, holding on tightly.

Lexa has not shared her bike with anyone since the summer.

They stood together on the sand, the waves gently hitting their feet over and over and over. She did not intend for it to mean anything. She did not intend for _Clarke_ to mean anything. But as Lexa stared at her, watching her as she stared at the setting sun, Lexa experienced a surprising sense of peace. And she knew.

She has not felt this type of peace since the summer.

Clarke’s lips were red, and Lexa wanted nothing more than to kiss them. She imagined that they must be very soft. She was not mistaken. After they pulled apart, Clarke looked into her eyes and asked for her promise.

 _“Remember me.”_ As if Lexa had a choice in the matter.

In the distance, fireworks exploded in the sky.

Once the sun was gone, Clarke started to feel cold, and Lexa could not just watch her shiver.

 _“Thank heavens you thought to bring a jacket,”_ Clarke said as she slipped on the jacket that Lexa had offered her.

 _“The heavens must be looking out for you,”_ Lexa replied with a smirk.

 _“Well, the heavens can’t help me now,”_ Clarke said quietly. Lexa is not sure if she was meant to hear this, but she did. She did not know what to say in response, so she just remained silent.

They went to the beach together multiple times. They would talk about many things. Clarke told her about her father’s death, and about the boy who left her for her closest friend. Lexa almost told her about Costia. _Almost._ Mostly, they talked of the future, of how Clarke would be going to graduate school soon, of how much she was looking forward to it. Lexa enjoyed watching her as she spoke. Sometimes, Clarke would speak of a future together. Sometimes, Clarke looked at Lexa in a way that made Lexa think that this could last, that Clarke _wanted_ it to last.

But nothing lasts forever.

Lexa knew that she did not belong in Clarke’s world, not beyond this summer, just as Clarke did not belong in hers. Lexa knew that she was a black hole. She ruined people. She had done it before, many times. A few short weeks with someone, even Clarke, could not make her whole.

So she never replied to the words, and she never returned the look.

In her dreams, she always does.

Clarke was a supernova, radiating energy, and Lexa did not want to burn away the few pieces of her heart that still remained within her chest. More than that, though, she did not want to be the reason that this supernova faded away. Lexa would not let herself do that to her.

She tried to communicate this to Clarke. Honestly, she tried. She tried her best never to give Clarke any false hope, to minimize the damage that she was sure to cause.

_“Why are you still here with me, Clarke? This won’t last.”_

_“Nothing lasts forever, Lexa. But this… what we have here… it’s just getting good now.”_

 

_“I do not do relationships, Clarke.”_

_“I know, Lexa.”_

_“I am not good, Clarke. Not like you. I am so very bad for you.”_

_“You may be bad, but you do it so well that it almost doesn’t matter.”_

  
Lexa has spent countless hours trying to figure out the meaning behind Clarke’s words. So far, she has been unsuccessful. She still does not understand why they had lasted even for the brief time that they had.

It keeps her up at night.

Even knowing that it would end soon, Lexa continued to stare at her as she stared at the setting sun. Some nights, Lexa still dreams of the way the wind would blow through her hair, the way it would play with her sundress, making her look like she was about to take flight into the orange sky.

Each day, each sunset, is stored away safely in a corner of Lexa’s mind that she seldom lets herself access. What Lexa remembers most, though, what she simply cannot seem to forget, are the nights.

She remembers the feeling of falling asleep with Clarke beside her. She remembers the feeling of holding Clarke as she muttered slightly in her sleep. She remembers the way she would wake up to the smell of Clarke’s hair. She remembers the way Clarke would smile when Lexa said good morning to her.

Lexa had been hesitant their first time together. She did not want to ruin Clarke. She did not want to become another thing that Clarke would regret. But she had been too weak to resist the way Clarke whispered words meant only for her ears.

_“It’s just us here, Lexa. No one has to know what we do.”_

  
Lexa’s hands were in her hair in an instant, pulling Clarke closer, ever closer. Before long, her clothes lay forgotten in some corner of Clarke’s room. They fell into one another, and Lexa can recall the heat of her skin as their bodies tangled together. For the first time in a very long time, Lexa did not wish that it was Costia kissing her. She did not look into Clarke’s eyes and compare them with Costia’s. She did not have to bite her lips to keep from crying out Costia’s name. There was only Clarke.

Clarke lips made her burn as she murmured words of love into Lexa’s lips, her ears, her skin, her very _soul_. They charred her blackened heart.

And Lexa never said them back.

In her dreams, she always says them back.  
  


Clarke would often lie with her head in Lexa’s lap, looking up at the stars. Lexa would run her fingers through Clarke’s hair, and Clarke would sigh in contentment.

Lexa swears that she can still hear it.

Sometimes they would just sit this way silently, and Lexa would feel that same sense of peace. Sometimes Clarke would try to point out the constellations, and Lexa stills remembers every single one.

She has not looked at the stars since the summer.

 

 _“The day we met... why did you come with me, Clarke?”_   Lexa asked one day as she absently played with Clarke’s hair.

_“Because you were pretty as hell, Lexa.”_

The night before they were to part ways, Lexa was staring at her, and she was staring at the setting sun. Neither of them said much, and when they shared a final kiss, Lexa was the first to pull away. Clarke’s hands remained on the back of her neck, holding her in place, keeping them close.

_“Do you remember your promise?”_

_“Of course.”_

_“Then say it, Lexa. Say you’ll remember me.”_

_“I will remember you, Clarke.”_

_“Good,”_ Clarke whispered, closing her eyes, leaning her forehead against Lexa’s own. _“Now say we’ll meet again.”_

Lexa wanted to tell her that she couldn’t make this promise, but the words died on her lips.

_“Even if it’s a lie, Lexa. Even if it’s just pretend. Please. Just say you’ll see me again.”_

_“I will see you again.”_

Lexa walked away and did not look back. She pretended not to hear the soft sob coming from the girl she was leaving behind.

Lexa can still hear it every time she thinks of her. She wonders what might have happened if she had turned to look back at Clarke.

  
It keeps her up at night.

  
But this is what Lexa did. Clarke was not her exception. Lexa knew that this was the end, and she could not bring herself to regret any of it. At the time, she did not wish that it had ended differently.

Now, this is all that she ever wishes for.

_  
I will see you again._

It had been so easy to say the words that Clarke needed to hear, to say yes to her last request. And it was not a lie.

But what she had not been able to say was that she would only ever see her again in her wildest dreams.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry.  
> Feel free to yell at me in the comments or on Tumblr at thesummerofrain.


End file.
